By: Coffee Stain

Genre: Sandbox

Release date: April 1, 2026

Platform used: Nintendo Switch 2

Rating: 1.5/5

Let me go ahead and say this as clearly as I can so the impact of my words an register: in the past, when we upgrade a nintendo switch game to nintendo switch 2 we pay maybe a fiver for it. Advanced graphics, increased features (if we’re lucky), better frame rates. Nothing wrong with that. Consider: an xbox game can run on an xbox 360 without needing to buy an xbox live update. For nintendo, we also have ds games running on the 3ds without needing to pay extra. That’s fine. But hey some digital games want to lock us out of features by selling season passes and the like – so I understand charging for an upgrade. Except wait – we are not paying for an upgrade. This time we are buying a game which “released” separately with ads and hype and everything, but it is the same exact game we got for switch in 2025. For this review we will pretend that goat simulator 3 was never released for swtich – which is what nintendo no doubt wants. But make no mistake, this scummy remake culture and absence of real games is the symptom of a bigger disease that we, as consumers, are not treating. We are just letting our defective train chug along without any service whatsoever because apparently it hurts us to think or it takes effort to change our lifestyles. But it doesn’t have to be the only way – at Father Orcus’s monastery of the frozen mists you can revitalize your spirit with freezing…. Oops, can’t start dropping the propoganda yet. Need to continue building loyalty first.

Now that I’ve said my sermon let me delve into the game itself. It has the emotional depth of a unwashed pipette and plays like the developers were trying to provide the ragdoll equivalent of hardcore adult entertainment. Which, if you have access to a spell of levitate, have an absorb shield, and another mage of equal power is in fact a form of hardcore adult entertainment. My acolytes say moshing should not be referred to as such, but I’m just saying when Orcus the Vile is in the mosh pit children beware – because bodies will fly! That being said, the game is pretty amusing. A cadaverous ogre such as I can enjoy the game for its idiotic simplicity, its crude humor, and simplistic challenges and gradual sense of unlocking a tower of evil. But this is a critical review, and those features are not indicative of good games even if the game itself is a form of comedy. And really there is no plot, unless you enjoy the mindless chaos, the only sense of progress is artificial by virtue of the tower you need to complete in game and the cosmetics you can unlock. There really is nothing for you here if you can’t just enjoy the mindless chaos. I can – but most gamers can’t unless they’re in a very specific mood.

This is the sort of game you either sink hours into to complete, or play once or twice for the jokes and quit after sinking a few hours into (interesting that this one doesn’t get an upgrade isn’t it nintendo?). You have to ask yourself though – do you have 30 dollars to waste on a joke? Because if so, I can charge you 30 dollars for robbery. Its a delightful little joke. You pay me thirty dollars – I pick you up by the toes and shake you down until every single loose piece of change is on the floor. If you’re the target audience you will love this game. And if you’re in the smaller and more committed members of the target audience you might finish the game.

What are the redeeming elements I hear you ask? The humor is good, it will get a few chuckles even if this is not your form of humor, and the minigames are genuinely entertaining. But this game does feel like a huge time sink. Every time I sit to play it I get so distracted wrecking stuff and raising hell I find forty minutes have passed easily – yet nothing gets done. And I feel that is my final verdict on this game. A fun guilty pleasure, a marker for a more serious condition in the market, and generally something to ease your mind at times of too much cognitive activity. I know that sounds pessimistic but hey, Die Hard is more popular on Christmas than Santa. And some of us have multiple heads! But if you’re looking for a meme filled with memes, you can definitely do worse than goat simulator. Do yourself a favor though and wait until its on sale. Don’t pay thirty bucks for an upgrade just because they try to go out of their way to convince you its a new release.