By: Coffee Stain

Genre: Sandbox

Release date: April 1, 2026

Platform used: Nintendo Switch 2

Rating: 1.5/5

Let me go ahead and say this as clearly as I can so the impact of my words an register: in the past, when we upgrade a nintendo switch game to nintendo switch 2 we pay maybe a fiver for it. Advanced graphics, increased features (if we’re lucky), better frame rates. Nothing wrong with that. Consider: an xbox game can run on an xbox 360 without needing to buy an xbox live update. For nintendo, we also have ds games running on the 3ds without needing to pay extra. That’s fine. But hey some digital games want to lock us out of features by selling season passes and the like – so I understand charging for an upgrade. Except wait – we are not paying for an upgrade. This time we are buying a game which “released” separately with ads and hype and everything, but it is the same exact game we got for switch in 2025. For this review we will pretend that goat simulator 3 was never released for swtich – which is what nintendo no doubt wants. But make no mistake, this scummy remake culture and absence of real games is the symptom of a bigger disease that we, as consumers, are not treating. We are just letting our defective train chug along without any service whatsoever because apparently it hurts us to think or it takes effort to change our lifestyles. But it doesn’t have to be the only way – at Father Orcus’s monastery of the frozen mists you can revitalize your spirit with freezing…. Oops, can’t start dropping the propoganda yet. Need to continue building loyalty first.

Now that I’ve said my sermon let me delve into the game itself. It has the emotional depth of a unwashed pipette and plays like the developers were trying to provide the ragdoll equivalent of hardcore adult entertainment. Which, if you have access to a spell of levitate, have an absorb shield, and another mage of equal power is in fact a form of hardcore adult entertainment. My acolytes say moshing should not be referred to as such, but I’m just saying when Orcus the Vile is in the mosh pit children beware – because bodies will fly! That being said, the game is pretty amusing. A cadaverous ogre such as I can enjoy the game for its idiotic simplicity, its crude humor, and simplistic challenges and gradual sense of unlocking a tower of evil. But this is a critical review, and those features are not indicative of good games even if the game itself is a form of comedy. And really there is no plot, unless you enjoy the mindless chaos, the only sense of progress is artificial by virtue of the tower you need to complete in game and the cosmetics you can unlock. There really is nothing for you here if you can’t just enjoy the mindless chaos. I can – but most gamers can’t unless they’re in a very specific mood.

This is the sort of game you either sink hours into to complete, or play once or twice for the jokes and quit after sinking a few hours into (interesting that this one doesn’t get an upgrade isn’t it nintendo?). You have to ask yourself though – do you have 30 dollars to waste on a joke? Because if so, I can charge you 30 dollars for robbery. Its a delightful little joke. You pay me thirty dollars – I pick you up by the toes and shake you down until every single loose piece of change is on the floor. If you’re the target audience you will love this game. And if you’re in the smaller and more committed members of the target audience you might finish the game.

What are the redeeming elements I hear you ask? The humor is good, it will get a few chuckles even if this is not your form of humor, and the minigames are genuinely entertaining. But this game does feel like a huge time sink. Every time I sit to play it I get so distracted wrecking stuff and raising hell I find forty minutes have passed easily – yet nothing gets done. And I feel that is my final verdict on this game. A fun guilty pleasure, a marker for a more serious condition in the market, and generally something to ease your mind at times of too much cognitive activity. I know that sounds pessimistic but hey, Die Hard is more popular on Christmas than Santa. And some of us have multiple heads! But if you’re looking for a meme filled with memes, you can definitely do worse than goat simulator. Do yourself a favor though and wait until its on sale. Don’t pay thirty bucks for an upgrade just because they try to go out of their way to convince you its a new release.

By: Data East

Genre: RPG/Beat ’em up

Platform used: Arcade

Rating: 4/5

Does it surprise you, the reader, that Orcus the Vile owns an arcade? For one who has accumulated more than a single lifetime’s worth in plunder and wealth, one who despises idleness, and one who longs for those defiling days – having an arcade is the logical next step. This specific box was a gift. I said unto one of my underlings that I missed being the one who stops evil – before I became the evil myself. And lo and behold, from the last excursion, some of my acolytes brought me wizard fire.

It’s an altogether great game, though i must say, their portrayal of Gaul is not how I remember it. With this game we see gameplay similar to the Mystara D&D arcade games, which apparently Wizard Fire is often compared too. There are some key differences though. In wizard fire, treasure chests holds items worth points, not items with utility in-game. Your armor you pick up does reduce damage though – which was a good touch. The controls are very responsive and its simple enough. One attack button plus move, and the magic key to worry about when your magic gauge is filled up. I did like how for the none spellcasting classes – at times the spellbook will have unpredictable results. For example, after the dwarf’s trademark stoneskin spell is cast, the next spell might show a question mark and then when cast make him a pig. Its an excellent in-game implementation of the idea that dwarves struggle to cast spells and little flavor elements like that are nice touches as they appear throughout the game.

It is a good thing Wizard Fire’s controls are so simple, as the game is fairly challenging. Expect to die a lot as wave after wave of high fantasy monsters swarm you. Sometimes it is better to simply progress to the next area rather than picking fights with the growing swarms of enemies. The boss fights are excellent too – there is even one where the implemented the horror undertones of the game well by making the bosses so damn tough that you don’t even know if your abilities are having an effect or not. And you can only damage one of the two enemies.

On the topic of horror, there is a tense, high stakes spin on it with the standard plague riddden horrors, shambling mummies, and environments that look to be straight out of the plaguelands. It adds an additional layer of immersive flair to an already good game. The story is tied very closely to the gameplay and though the cutscenes look very nice art-wise they are voiced very awkwardly.

In the small sub-genre of beat ’em up RPGs, you can certainly do worse than Wizard Fire (at least for arcade). If you ever find a copy of this game its well worth burning a quarter or two on and I would personally recommend the elf and the dwarf for novelty unless you want to be the unstoppable heroic tank that is the knight.

By: Pearl Abyss

Genre: Action RPG

Release Date: March 19, 2026

Platform Used: Windows/Steam Deck

Rating 4/5

This game was a disappointment. Not because it was bad, or somehow lacking – but because I had the hammer of Orcus ready to bring dawn upon this game for all its claims leading up to release. M1 compatibility? Ambigious. Steam says no, the game initially said it would be compatible, and the game was unplayable on M1 mac despite the app store claiming it is supported. Switch 2 compatibility? Was teased, announced, and then quietly swept under the rug without consequence. And hey – game respect game. I once ended an entire plane of the multiverse out of petty spite for a lost game of oathbreaker (and in case readers are wondering – Orcus the Vile’s signature spell is murder). Returning to the actual game though, I cannot remain angry at them because once I installed the game on a suitable device, it worked like a dream.

The gameplay is fun, robust, and easy to pick up. Unlike a lot of ARPGs this game does not punish you for not dodging or not parrying, and you are not dependent on and increasingly spiking learning curve to survive. Perhaps this was a conscious decision to offset the lack of difficulty levels. Who knows? One thing the gameplay lacks that is now offered by many next generation triple A roleplaying games, is that freedom and emergent gameplay that is increasingly trickling down from the realm of immersive sims. Its not hugely important, but it would be fun to have the option to throw the badger you just killed off a cliff. It would also be nice to do something like take the pebble you just picked up and throw it at an NPC. That’s the other thing – NPCs really can’t be killed or threatened unless you have the specific item that lets you do something other than greet them (more on that later). It would probably be a nightmare to code, but once more, the expectation for games of this caliber is usually a degree of interaction with the environment beyond greeting.

Masks or face coverings make a bunch of fun options open up, like stealing or threatening NPCs. It really allows for more varied gameplay, and I like the touch of you having to don a mask to actually conduct crimes. What I don’t like however, is how we have the option to steal earlier without it ever being explained why you cannot steal a box when the option is right there visible on my screen. Orcus the Vile is a notorious looter, eighty percent of the Templars’ treasure came through my direct despoiling – when I am offered the option to steal, I do not expect to be turned down. Though I do suppose there is a certain demographic that has grown tired of increasingly obvious tutorials and this game is meant to appease them in that way. There is definitely a lot of exploration in this game and its refreshing learning about the world one animal at a time and needing to experiment a little to find out how stuff works.

The story and worldbuilding definitely go above and beyond what you normally get with big games nowadays. I appreciate that there is an ongoing mystery and you continuously learn about the world and its hidden secrets as you go. And having the tease of something just beyond what you have already seen is something I haven’t seen much outside flat-out mystery games. There is a sense of wonder and amazement in this game and I feel like it was captured perfectly not just in-game but also through the loading screens and the subtle orchestral music. It can be said however, that the designers had the advantage of working with a preexisting world when they came up with the game. My understanding is this game is set as a prequel for Black Desert, an MMO also by pearl abyss (if there were trolls in that too I would jump at it).

The graphics is a huge selling point, and I don’t know when the graphics became such an important category to choosing the games we do but make no mistake – if your graphics card supports this game it does look beautiful – but I’d say its worth it even without the graphics. Heed me carefully, as Orcus the Vile is not a soft man, and will not speak thusly again soon: it doesn’t matter if this game looks pretty or not – Orcus enjoyed it on the unimpressive looking graphics the steam deck presented, and he enjoyed it on the only slightly more impressive computer screen (which reminds me I need to send forth a winged abomination to acquire me a new graphics card sometime). If you’re here for the graphics its here, but you’ll enjoy it without it.

Crimson Desert was marketed as an open world game. And it certainly does deliver on that selling point. There’s lots of exploration and you definitely don’t feel railroaded while playing. The fact that you can collect creatures and learn more about them as you go, and the journal entries with lore about almost everything in game helps incentivize the exploration that is so integral to the open world element.

Orcus the Vile has now stowed away the hammer of dawn – Crimson Desert is a game to be spared from petty vendettas and wrath. It was fun getting into the game, and I will continue to enjoy what it has to offer. For the sake of avoiding spoilers we have only scratched the surface, but once I complete this game there will probably be a retrospective coming on it. I recommend this game to anybody who have considered checking it out. It will sink a lot of your time in the way only a really good and immersive game can.

By: SEGA

Genre: Fighter

Release Date: March 26, 2026

Platform Used: Nintendo Switch 2

Rating: 2.5/5

Boy I love the Nintendo Swtich 2. It reminds me of a charming console that had just as few games but was not as well-endowed with hardware. I am of course, speaking of the Atari Lynx. The Lynx however, had the advantage that it was getting what was, at the time, triple A games released for it at launch. Aside from two or three exclusives, the Nintendo Switch 2 has exactly zero triple A games released for it at their original release, one was cancelled, but Crimson Desert will be subjucted to the wrath of Orcus in due course. All the other major games released at the time of their release are in fact for the switch and not its successor.

Yes, aside from having very few games available for it on release (where is the next Madden Nintendo?), and being treated to “games” in the form of $5 upgrades for games that are already compatible with it, we now come to the point where we are getting ports of remasters of updates a year late two. Does that sound overly specific and verbose? Well Street Fighter 5 R.E.V.O is an update for a remaster that has been out for a while on other consoles, and is now being ported to switch a year late. And this comes less than a month after we got a FREE update that renders those $5 updates inconsequential.

Now I, Orcus the Vile, like Nintendo – know my audience. Sometimes I find an unspoiled village in the Carpathian mountains where they still sacrifice roosters once a year to protect their sheep from wolves. When this happens, I rub my shovel-like hands together in glee. I then send my chief proselytizer, Brother Paganizer, to go seed the old ways there. Unlike the Paganizer, Nintendo saw Street Fighter 6 had an audience and said unto themselves: “let’s get another fighting game here. And what better game than Virtua Fighter? Yakuza 2 had a full working arcade version of it, so lets charge our consumers 60+ dollars for it.” I will be honest here: As a wight that has not seen the inference of a conference room (that is the word young people use for council chambers now I’m told) since before the Great War – I may be a little out of touch. But even I know that if Nintendo released more games, they would probably know more about their playerbase. It does feel a little like they assume because street fighter was successful, and because smash bros was successful in the past, Virtua Fighter R.E.V.O would be a smash hit. However, Orcus the Vile is not a prognosticator, and I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am a staunch follower of the old ways. Turkey legs, wenches, and feats of strength were they back in the old days. In my boyhood there were none who could beat Orcus the Vile in good old rambunctious wrestling. And now, being long in the tusk, and ashen of beard – I like to live vicariously through fighting games. I am told Zangief bears a remarkable resemblance to me when I took up the cross of Templar in the 12th century. Dark Stalkers, Tekken, Soul Calibur, Mortal Kombat, I’ve done them all. But Virtua Fighter never struck me as the cream of the crop. But as I have said: benefit of the doubt. What is this game they offered up unto us?

Honestly, not a bad game. We didn’t get some slapped together, half-forgotten port for the sake of it. We got a well-programmed, responsive, easy to learn fighter that is cleverly geared towards and optimized for online multiplayer. I have my doubts the online multiplayer will thrive, and it remains to see how long it endures, but the potential is there.

The graphics are beautiful, and unlike some other next gen fighting games, it doesn’t just look like unity slop. The graphics would be incredible if there wasn’t a distinct dip in quality as the game goes from cutscene to combat. Hair looks awkward, and the realism of the sand is more photo realistic than the fighters themselves. There’s some potential here, but it remains hidden unfortunately. Controls are different from the usual Street Fighter style layout, it is easy to learn, and rewards experimentation. And I like those games that have controls that are quick to learn through built-in reinforcement.

The game’s difficulty does spike incredibly fast in arcade mode, Almost disproportionately so. If there is a problem with the singleplayer, it’s how quickly you need to hike those controls you just learned and were adapting to. This game will not hold your hand.

Another problem is the story. If there is one – they hide it really well. That being said, usually with a fighting game the story is thinner than an anorexic tapeworm. What can I say? You don’t expect hamlet from a fighting game. And I know you can probably read the story to Virtua Fighter 5 somewhere, but a manual is not a substitute for a plot.

So that’s virtua fighter 5, an average but enjoyable fighting game. Was it worth porting? Probably, but there are other games that would be fun too. Try it out if you have the cash (and a Nintendo Switch 2, I’m told they do in fact appear outside Japan) but don’t expect the next smash bros.